For all intents and purposes, parents want the best for their children. They want them to thrive, to be the best they can be, and ultimately, live an easier life as adults.
That means, in parent-speak, investments. Investing in a new house that’s closer to a good school, tutors who can prepare them for the upcoming curriculum, enrichment classes so they are well-rounded, and sports or music classes so that they learn values like resilience and determination. On top of that, family time, going to the beach, the park, going on holidays, having conversations with them, being present with them, teaching them values. The best part, this list is inexhaustive. Basically, as parents, we do whatever it takes for our children to excel. Even and most of the time, at the cost of our own needs.
The sad truth is that we weren’t made to manage so many stimulants at one go. For instance, managing the children, the home, the groceries, the laundry, your parents, in-laws, your job, your finances... the list goes on.
Imagine you’re holding a jug of water, and each of your responsibilities and obligations are cups you have to fill equally. Too many cups and the jug runs out of water. The consequence of having all these cups is that they don’t get filled to their maximum capacity. So, in real-life terms, the quality of care that you are putting out there in terms of work, chores, social groups, is affected.
Maybe you’ll decide, I can sacrifice one cup to fill another. The first cup to go is almost always your personal well-being. It’s a sacrifice we all make for our children, but one that comes with costs we didn’t realize.
We might find our tempers a little shorter, our focus compromised, we may lose motivation to do things we once enjoyed, our ability to be emotionally present for our kids and partner are also compromised. We feel constantly exhausted, guilty, and overwhelmed. This can result in a dangerous downward spiral where we feel helpless and can lead to more long-lasting mental health issues.
In order to be the best version of ourselves for our children, we have to refill that jug and fill our cup to the brim, first. Like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you help your kids. With a full cup, we have more energy and headspace to manage our emotions better, to be more present for our children, and spend more time doing the things we love, with the people we love. Isn’t that thriving after all?
Tips to do so
Reconnecting with Self
When was the last time you did something good for yourself? Remember, it isn’t being selfish, it’s filling your cup so that you can continue to give to others and have the capacity to be the best version of yourself for your family.
Do things that you used to do or explore new activities that you’ve always wanted to try. Treat yourself – Have the ice cream, binge-watch your drama; all these things also help to recharge you. Do one good thing a day for yourself. It can be as simple as having a good coffee, spending 20 minutes reading a book, going for a jog. Invest in building your sense of self so that you can be more authentic and present with your family.
Reconnecting with Partner
Another sacrificial cup that’s usually affected or pushed aside as parents is the one with your partner. The relationship becomes more functional and pragmatic than romantic, and you lose the essence of who you both were before kids.
Investing in the relationship with your partner means investing in the roots of the family. Keeping the well-oiled machine that is your family is important, but so is the investment in the emotional connection between parents. So, whatever the state of your relationship, MAKE some time to connect with your partner. Go on dates, dress up, make each other feel special, have conversations apart from children.
Having a strong connection means having a strong support when things get overwhelming; it means having a safe outlet for your emotions and being able to discuss serious decisions. This eases the mental strain we carry and gives us more headspace to manage everything a little better.
Reconnecting with Kids
listening to them telling the same anecdotes over and over, laughing with them, doing activities together (try not to always do passive activities like watching movies all the time).
Kids may not remember the details of the things we do for them. But they will remember our presence, our energy levels, our ability to create safe spaces where they can share whatever they need to.
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This article was written by Charmaine Marsh, a clinical director and senior therapist at Goodity, with over a decade of experience working with adults, children, youth, and families.
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